The Myeloma Kid

Blogging is Cathartic: Wow! I can't believe another week has gone by. A week that I had to do radiation, chemotherapy, dialysis and doctor's appointments...all in the same day! Looking back, it was really a roller coaster of a week. The medications (especially the steroids) can really send me up and down. But, it's another week that I've lived with cancer and another week where I've grown just a little bit more. I did not look forward to M W and F. Those (were) are the days I do the Big 3. I wish to play hooky so bad on those days. Those days are constant reminders of just where I am at. And my world of denial (which I think many of the patients choose to live in) has to fight extra hard to keep out the reality. Strange, but I sometimes feel like I am working for the hospitals and the pharmacuetical companies and the insurance agencies. It's not my life. It's as if I'm just a cog in the machinery for them to have their job and to get their money. But, on Thursday I had a chance to smile for a little bit. It was bitter sweet. But, I will take all the smiles I can get. I went out to lunch with my friends and coworkers. It was good to catch up with everyone. It was good to here about the projects and the "office dramas". It was good to see the smiles and it was good to be a part of the friendly banter. And, yes, it was good to share my story about the friendly radiation nurse...("Just keep it out of the field!"). But, it was bitter sweet. I left there and went back to the office to tie up loose ends and emails etc. It was about rush hour when I left the office. It was strangely familiar but felt so foreign. It has been almost 3 months since all this has happened. I couldnt believe where my life has gone in that time. What was so common place is now non-existent and what was unimaginable is now reality. My life is totally different. My goals and expectations are not only changing but are not even clear. Most of the times I don't even know what I can and can't do. It's a wierd feeling I've been carrying this week. Much of my foundations; wants, wishes, truths, and dreams have changed or will change. In many ways it has left me empty. But, I continue on to do the next test, the next procedure, the next treatment. For maybe my dreams may get brighter. I don't know. What I do know is that I've decided to try to live more for today rather then wait until this is all over. I mean, it's been 2 -1/2 months since all this has happened! I want to enjoy this time as much I can. I want to enjoy this time as much as I did - no more then I did, before. I just finished reading one of Lance Armstrong's biographies. He wrote about part of his battles against cancer was the need for information and how he continued to educate himself against the disease. For him, the knowledge equaled strength, hope, and willingness to beat his diagnosis. I try to do that. But, I'm so tired at the end of the day that my quest for knowledge is exhausted for my thirst for rest. But, what gets me through the day - and Thursday showed me - are the many smiles that I come across each day. The smiles that I get. The smiles that I help to create. The smiles that can be self-perpetuating. That's what keeps me going and that's what I hope to gather. Smiles = Hope. When, I'm in the chemo center and I see a nurse smile at a patient; it makes me smile. I see people walking their dogs, having lunch, playing with their children. It makes me smile. It's the little things. It continues my will to fight and to keep going. So, you've all made me smile. And hopefully I can do the same. I love you all. Keep in touch and thanks again for everyone's generous donations for the MMRF. Love ya, Lance