The Myeloma Kid

Everything can be so exhausting: Cancer, dialysis, treatments, doctor's appointments, waking up, going to bed, and just plain living each day can be a drain. The physical side of it all is enough to wear me down. But, I think it's the emotional and spiritual side that can be just as if not more draining. What makes it more challenging is that I'm finding out I'm more about looking for that "big reward" after I've done some work in my life. I want the fireworks, the rock star job, or the that big lottery ticket (even though I haven't played it...lol). So, the feeling of expectations and entitlement while sitting in the middle of a soul-sucking dialysis session really can eat at me. I will say, for me, dialysis really sucks. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I hate it! It's the loss of control. It's the loss of health. It's feeling like I'm a cog in a machine. It's the absolute feeling of wasting time. 4.5 hours of connected to a machine that cleans my blood. Oh, I'm thankful it's there. It keeps me alive and hopefully...hopefully....somehow....it's only temporary (dialysis, that is). But, being 40 (soon to be 41) well...it's just such a life change that I guess I'm still getting used to. I counter-act all this by doing everything I have to do to keep and stay healthy. Doing things, anything, can be empowering. I do each appointment and treatment and realize that I've just completed another week of chemo and dialysis. I do more things for myself; paint, walk, read, bake, cook, talk to people and try to help out where I can. Like I said, I can look for rewards to be given to me in life. But, I think more and and more that we make the miracles happen. It's probably through our efforts that things happen. It's probably through extending ourselves that we truly get the the things we may need. Medically speaking everything is still moving forward. There are a lot of "if-this-then-this" scenarios that have to play out. The health of my kidneys may determine my bone marrow transplant schedule. The length of dialysis may determine how much and frequency I get a bone stiffner (you can read any joke you want into that) added to my chemo treatments. And, how many low-grade chemos I will need before I start some of the heavy duty treatments prior to the bone marrow transplants. The next course of action, though may be with my kidneys. I probably will need the Fistula access installed in my arm to keep on with my dialysis. It again is something I'm not looking forward to for all those acceptance reasons. But, it's probably the best thing I can do for myself. It will give me better and shorter dialysis sessions and help clean my blood better. But, it's another treatment, another surgery and another thing to know I'm still sick. So, we'll see... Love ya all, Lance