The Myeloma Kid

I've lost my Mojo: I say that in all good jest. But, in reality, this has been a tough week. I think I've been letting the cancer win. It's been building up for a while and it just kind of came spiralling down this week. I can't say I had much faith or hope at all this week. I don't know what any of that means right now. I generally pray each day and night. And I usually just ask for "God's will, not mine be done". And right now, each time I pray, it feels like a slap in the face. I guess that's been one of the hardest things so far....I was a healthly, athletic 40yr old....and now I can't even trust my body if I drink a full glass of water for fear that my legs will swell. (water...go figure). Right now, I don't know what's up or down, right or wrong, left or right. I'm so tired to do anything else but the treatments I gotta do, and yet, for me to get anything out of life means I gotta do more. I have these great ideas to do things and lately I've just ended up on the couch flipping channels (cause there aint nothing on) and then eventually I take a nap until my next treatment. The malaise has effected every area of my life. It has hurt relationships. And I've been worrying how I will continue to live in my home and pay my bills (which in reality I don't think I need to worry about yet). It really wasnt until late last week when I literally 'holed' myself up in dialysis (I used a baseball hat to cover my head and eyes and I covered myself head-to-toe in a blanket and stayed that way for the entire session) that I realized that I was letting the cancer win. Now, I at least recognize that I'm in funk and I maybe depressed. Some people I've talked to say that I havent had time to let myself grieve for everything that's been going and the things I've lost. And maybe that's what's catching up to me now. It's all the little things too. From the steriod-induced acne to the sometime swelling of my legs, to the renal diet, to the catherter tubes in my chest. And, it's what's on the horizon; a fistula in my arm on 12/14, to the heavy chemo at the beginning of the year followed by the bone marrow transplant operations. I've let myself get away from day-at-a-time mindset. The Road To Recovery. Step 1 has been to talk to people more and let them know what's going on. I will try to limit my grunts of being "fine" and "ok". Step 2, no matter how tired I may think I am, I will do something positive for myself each day. No matter how little the accomplishment, I will do something good. Step 3: I will try to do something good for someone else each day. It could be a "hello" or even just holding open a door. But, I need to do more if I expect to get more out of life. And Step 4: I will try to find that faith in god and life again. I'm not sure where that will come from. And hopefully I'll find it sooner rather than later. Because it can feel so empty sometimes. Anyway...so sorry to be a bummer on this blog. But, I think being honest is the best thing for me (and maybe for others who may go through tough times). I'll get through this...others have and so will I. Love ya all, Lance