The Myeloma Kid

I Guess It's Been A While: And I still don't feel like writing...lol. Man, it's been a tough couple of weeks. I've been down in the dumps and getting out of it hasnt been easy or even wanted. I've been in so much pain from my "phantom" side pain and then having to go through the cytoxan chemo....well why bother??!! So, that's the place I've been at. I've been in physical, emotional, and spiritual pain; a very isolating and lonely place. To recap: I went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago to do the cytoxan. But, while there the doctor's finally listened to me and we looked into the phantom pains I've been having in my side. So, we do CT Scans, MRIs, Barium MRIs, Ultrasounds etc....and nothing to show that I should be in pain. Hmm! So, that's followed by the catherter in the 'groin' and then the cytoxan chemo. Well, the chemo last for 3 hrs and I really don't remember much. I was so doped up...woohoo! The catherter wasnt pleasant. But, it wasnt as bad as I thought it was gonna to be. But, the chemo. Now, that snuck up on me. They gave it to me Friday into Saturday. And, no biggie. I ate and was extremely tired. Well, I get home Saturday and I cant lift my head. And, I've got this 'gas bubble' in my diaphram or so it feels like. So, I wake up a lil later on and try to eat or drink something; not a good a idea. Because a couple seconds later it violently comes up. It felt like it came from my toes. I made it to the kitchen sink without incident (Thank god for the garbage disposal...eww he didnt just say that??!!!). I try some soup the next day and that too ends up in the kitchen sink. So, for the next couple of days I can barely even keep water down. It was a rough couple of days. I mean I had one script for the nausea. But, I apparently needed two more. So, come Tuesday I start feeling better. I'm still exhausted. But, I'm not longer getting sick. I can drink fruit punch and berry Gatorade (heaven sent). I munch a little. And, then the phantom pain hits again. And, I realize that the pain no one can diagnose is actually more painful then the nausea from the chemo. I'd rather be sick from chemo then have this pain....(the pain that shouldnt exist). So, I downward spiral further. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I'm afraid to eat. I'm afraid to sleep for the pain (and the violent nightmares caused by the chemo). I'm a mess. Quite honestly, I couldnt care what happens to me at this point. Until a couple of days ago, I've let the pain run my life. I've let the disease catch up to me. I again was letting it win. So, I think...I guess...I made up my mind to believe the doctors and all the results and tests and procedures. All my results suggested I shouldnt be in so much pain. I don't know if this makes any sense. But, anytime I begin to feal or think or fear the pain my come back...I tell myself it can't be because there is no real reason for it. (This and much praying for compassion and mercy). We are going on day 3 now without really any of the mind numbing pain. Is it real or physcosematic?? I don't know. I can tell you the pain is real. But, did I create it? I'm not sure either. There are physical symptoms I think may be limked to me being better or worse. But, I also get this sense that I may have created it. That I somewhere in the depths of me I said "I can't go further with my cancer treatment until the pain is figured out". Meaning...I'm sick and tired of all of this and want out. And I began saying it outwardly that I wasnt going forward with the treatments. The pain gradually got worse the closer to the chemo treatments got. Maybe I was trying to postpone the treatments. Nay, I was trying to postpone the cancer. No....I was still trying to deny I had cancer. Because, up until now, my exposure to the cancer wasnt real to me. The velcade shots and steriods didnt take a big toll on me. The radiation made me tired (and I had a hot nurse to make light of it). The kidney failure and heart surgery were just that and not cancer. (related, yes...cancer, no). So, here I come up against the first dose of heavy chemo. The fear of the nausea and losing my hair (which I havent). All the bogeymen of cancer. And, I'm shaking in my boots. I didnt realize how afraid I've been. How, much I've been hating this entire experience. How much I just want to run away. And the pain may have become a tool for me to use to escape with. Physcobabble?? I don't know. The thoughts and feelings are real. I can tell you that. I hate this thing with every ounce of my being. And, I'm exhausted. And, what do I got to look forward to?? A week of stem cell collection followed by the beginning of the bone marrow transplant scheduled for 4/23. Which, again, by all accounts, is started by given the worst and strongest chemo on planet earth followed by 3 weeks in the hospital because I will be so ill and have no immune system to speak of. That's what I got to look forward to. It just feels like too heavy of burden. It can feel like I'm waiting for the gallows. And, it gets tiring. Now, all that being said. The past couple of days the pain hasnt been around or as strong. I've been able to eat and get a couple of good hours of sleep. The robins are out and chirping. The magnolias are in bloom. And somewhere, sometime sunshine and warmth are on it's way (I Hate This Cold Weather!!!). So, it must again be you guys. 'Cause, I havent been doing this on my own. I can't be. I would've given up long ago. Thanks again and much love, Lance