The Myeloma Kid

I guess my miracles were actually bad luck: I was told by a good friend the other day that I was one of the most optimistic persons she knew. I was puzzled over this for a while since I've always had a split personality when it came to the glass half filled/empty scenario. But, I've held onto this belief that my kidneys would return to function. Two pieces of evidence in this were my heart surgery in December (which was the day my fistula was initially scheduled) and the botched fistula surgery in March. These were my miracles. I figured that something good was going to come out of these botched plans. That there was a reason that the fistulas didnt work. That they were signs that my kidneys would return to function. Well...maybe there's still time. And maybe there's another botched surgery on the horizon (please no). But, Tuesday night I go in for a Wednesday morning procedure at U of P to do yet another fistula surgery. This time they are going to take a vein in my upper right bicep and connect it to the artery in upper right bicep. This will allow the vein to enlarge and strengthen to the size and strength of the artery it's connected to. For those into transportation, it's kind of like making a highway bypass allowing for increased traffic flow. Then, during dialysis they can insert needles into the vein so I dont need the catherter anymore. There's still much trepidation given my fistula history. It's, for the most part, a routine operation. But, each time it's been scheduled I've had another thing go wrong. So, what's next, right??!!! I hope not. As much as I don't want this, I just want it to get over and done with. And, that's the way I feel about bone marrow transplant, too. I don't want any part of it. Yet, I want to get this part of my life over with. I caught myself waiting until tomorrow to do things. I had a conversation with my doctor who said it will be rare when there comes a day when I won't be battling this stupid disease. I was at first very down about it. And still can be. But, what it did was shake me up to not put things off. To live more for today and not wait until tomorrow. I have begun to live my life again and not waiting for it to restart. It's more of a mindset then anything. I'm not climbing mountains. But, I did play golf on Thursday and I registered for a sailing class (I've never sailed but always wanted to). So, I guess it's baby steps. Best of luck to everyone. I hope everyone can enjoy the spring. Love ya's, Lance