Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Everyone should have my problem: I can eat anything I want and not gain any weight! Not only don't I gain weight....I actually continue to lose weight. I've had days where I've eaten pancakes and eggs, a hoagie, a steak dinner and ice cream, and a late night snack, and I've still lost weight. OK, it sounds like a good problem to have but I've lost over 50lbs in the past year. I'm now at 195lb and still dropping. I'm not too concerned...yet. Well, it's not that I'm not concerned. I'm just tired of getting things looked at. So, if it continues then I'll do something. But for now, I think things are leveling out.
I was actually more concerned that it was my muscle mass I was losing. I hadnt excercised in over a year. When the catherter was put in I was hesitant to do anything with my arms or upper body. Then, the chemo and radiation zapped any energy I had. Then the killer chemo's and the stomach pain set in. I didnt want to do anything. I was sick and I lived in it. Now, I'm tired of being cooped up. Now, I want to get out. Now, I want to be active. So, every other day, days when I don't have dialysis, I try to do something. I'll golf, I'll play tennis against the wall (the wall wins), or I'll go for a bike ride, and/or I'll go for a walk along the river. I want to push myself to see where I'm at. And, I do.
The other day I went for a bike ride. Mind you I havent done anything in a year. I go out past my town and say I can go further. I go past the next town and say I can go further. It isnt til I remember I gotta come back that I begin to think I've gone too far. And then, nobody warns me that there's hills and a headwind, too. I think it turned out to be 17 miles in total. I guess I found my limits...lol. But, then again, I'm always a person to try to push beyond my limits.
So, I continue to feel better each day. I havent gotten any numbers or counts back yet. I'm half afraid to call the doctor, maybe opting to wait until my next visit on July 19th. I'll probably ask sooner, but there's a fear that the treatments didnt work...and then what.
On another note, it is July 4th. The next town over is Riverton and they've got the oldest continuing 4th of July Parade in NJ. It's usually pretty good with a lot of my friends and their families watching it and participating in it. Riverton is a victorian town with lots of old houses, tree-lined streets, and bunting and flags along the gas-light lit streets. They put on a good old-fashioned 4th of July parade straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting complete with cub scouts, bag pipes, and war veterans marching down Main Street.
But, this year I slept in and missed it. This year it falls on Wednesday. This year I still gotta do dialysis on Wednesdays. So, I didnt go. It's funny. Tuesdays and Thursdays and the weekends I'm up to do anything. But, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I really don't feel like do anything at all. I like to sleep late. I mope on the couch before I go. Dialysis puts such a wet blanket on things. I still have a tough time adjusting to it. I get down. I don't feel like going and it robs my soul when I am there. I still don't feel like I belong there. I look around and I see people a lot older than me. I see people that are little too kooky for my taste. And, I don't want to be there.
But, I guess I gotta be. My brother had blood work done to see if he matched my bone marrow and kidneys. He didnt. So, I'm stuck with what I got. I guess it gotta accept it. They say that Multiple Myeloma is called "Old Man's Disease". So, maybe I gotta accept that this is my "Old Man's" part of things. I still don't got to like it.
The next phase will be having my catherter removed and the dialysis needles stuck into my fistula graft directly into my right bicep. I see others have it done in dialysis and to me they might as well be sticking the needles directly into my heart. Sure, it will free me from my catherter. But, I don't want any of it anymore. It may continue my life. But, it feels like it robs my freedom of my life. We'll see....
For now, I'll continue to do what I gotta do. It's all I know what to do. Put one foot in front of the other and maybe tomorrow will be a bigger and brighter day. Hope (though it can be a four-letter word) is a wonderful thing. Each day I awake and think today might be the day I've been waiting for. We'll see. We'll see.
Thanks again and I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I hope everyone survived their fireworks! Enjoy and love ya's, Lance.
I was actually more concerned that it was my muscle mass I was losing. I hadnt excercised in over a year. When the catherter was put in I was hesitant to do anything with my arms or upper body. Then, the chemo and radiation zapped any energy I had. Then the killer chemo's and the stomach pain set in. I didnt want to do anything. I was sick and I lived in it. Now, I'm tired of being cooped up. Now, I want to get out. Now, I want to be active. So, every other day, days when I don't have dialysis, I try to do something. I'll golf, I'll play tennis against the wall (the wall wins), or I'll go for a bike ride, and/or I'll go for a walk along the river. I want to push myself to see where I'm at. And, I do.
The other day I went for a bike ride. Mind you I havent done anything in a year. I go out past my town and say I can go further. I go past the next town and say I can go further. It isnt til I remember I gotta come back that I begin to think I've gone too far. And then, nobody warns me that there's hills and a headwind, too. I think it turned out to be 17 miles in total. I guess I found my limits...lol. But, then again, I'm always a person to try to push beyond my limits.
So, I continue to feel better each day. I havent gotten any numbers or counts back yet. I'm half afraid to call the doctor, maybe opting to wait until my next visit on July 19th. I'll probably ask sooner, but there's a fear that the treatments didnt work...and then what.
On another note, it is July 4th. The next town over is Riverton and they've got the oldest continuing 4th of July Parade in NJ. It's usually pretty good with a lot of my friends and their families watching it and participating in it. Riverton is a victorian town with lots of old houses, tree-lined streets, and bunting and flags along the gas-light lit streets. They put on a good old-fashioned 4th of July parade straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting complete with cub scouts, bag pipes, and war veterans marching down Main Street.
But, this year I slept in and missed it. This year it falls on Wednesday. This year I still gotta do dialysis on Wednesdays. So, I didnt go. It's funny. Tuesdays and Thursdays and the weekends I'm up to do anything. But, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I really don't feel like do anything at all. I like to sleep late. I mope on the couch before I go. Dialysis puts such a wet blanket on things. I still have a tough time adjusting to it. I get down. I don't feel like going and it robs my soul when I am there. I still don't feel like I belong there. I look around and I see people a lot older than me. I see people that are little too kooky for my taste. And, I don't want to be there.
But, I guess I gotta be. My brother had blood work done to see if he matched my bone marrow and kidneys. He didnt. So, I'm stuck with what I got. I guess it gotta accept it. They say that Multiple Myeloma is called "Old Man's Disease". So, maybe I gotta accept that this is my "Old Man's" part of things. I still don't got to like it.
The next phase will be having my catherter removed and the dialysis needles stuck into my fistula graft directly into my right bicep. I see others have it done in dialysis and to me they might as well be sticking the needles directly into my heart. Sure, it will free me from my catherter. But, I don't want any of it anymore. It may continue my life. But, it feels like it robs my freedom of my life. We'll see....
For now, I'll continue to do what I gotta do. It's all I know what to do. Put one foot in front of the other and maybe tomorrow will be a bigger and brighter day. Hope (though it can be a four-letter word) is a wonderful thing. Each day I awake and think today might be the day I've been waiting for. We'll see. We'll see.
Thanks again and I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I hope everyone survived their fireworks! Enjoy and love ya's, Lance.
# posted by Lance @ 8:49 AM 
